A person in recovery from addiction seeking guidance on self-forgiveness after infidelity and divorce describes being 10 months sober following years of compulsive behavior around sex, drugs, and dishonesty. In the person’s first experience with sobriety over 15 years ago, they had gotten married shortly after and drifted away from recovery when life “got good.” Eventually, compulsive patterns resumed, including infidelity while traveling for work and a full affair that came to light in July, leading to divorce.
The writer notes significant improvements: they have stopped lying to everyone, remain active in recovery, and friends report that they appear “calm, happy, and present for the first time in a long time.” However, they struggle with self-forgiveness and describe believing they need their ex-wife’s forgiveness to validate their recovery, stating “a part of me wants her to see how different I am now, as if that will somehow undo all of the pain I caused.”
A.J., the advice columnist, offers perspective based on personal experience, noting that it took him almost a decade of sobriety to see himself as forgivable. He recommends starting by forgiving other people first, using exercises like the 12-step resentment list as a clearing mechanism for the mind and heart. A.J. emphasizes the importance of service work, suggesting connection with others who have experienced similar infidelity and shame. A spiritual counselor quoted as “Peaceful John” notes that understanding the underlying drivers of infidelity—in his case, “anger that covered over big fear and insecurity”—helped enable forgiveness. He emphasizes committing to doing better rather than holding oneself to perfectionistic standards, and recognizing “a basic goodness that shows up, if not all the time, a lot of the time.”
This article is an AI-assisted summary. All facts and figures are drawn from the original report: https://slate.com/advice/2026/06/sober-advice-recovery-marriage-divorce.html?via=rss